Fights..."Ain't Nobody Got Time For That"

Fights are never easy, and honestly, no one ever wins. Someone always ends up getting hurt while the other person is chalked up to being the bad guy.  With medical school in the mix, fights become ten times harder, and honestly can cause more damage.

For us, time is often the topic we argue about most. Time needed for work, wanting more time together, and not to mention the time wasted fighting. We say things we don’t mean when we fight, we love hard and fight hard, we use words that cut deep, but in the end, we know that we will help each other through it.  

I mentioned before how valuable time is for a med student. They need time to go over lectures, time to study them, and time to repeat the process to assure they have it down. For the significant others, we sometimes suffer.  I knew when I moved down here, and that when school started that I would have less time with him. However, I suppose I didn't know exactly what else I would lose.

Time for me is spent at work from 8-6. I come home, make dinner, clean the kitchen, tidy up the house, shower, and then go to bed. We spend about an hour together for dinner. I love that time together. We get to watch one of our favorite shows recorded on the DVR, and be together. However, sometimes I want more than the every night routine we have. I’m not ready for us to be an old married couple without being old or married……

Sure we sit together on the couch and he holds my hand or gives me a quick peck, but where is passion we used to have? For me it’s not quantity, its quality.  “I don’t need an hour with you, but I want to make the most out of the 20 minutes that we have.” I miss when I would be doing dishes, and he would randomly come out and somehow we would end up in a water fight. I miss when we would take 20 minutes to passionately make out like we were teenagers again, (Sorry for the TMI, but hey we all do it.) I do understand HOW MUCH work he has on his plate. I also understand that when he gets a break, he simple wants to relax and let his brain rot. 

Sometimes I am a little ballsy and will dare to complain. “Why don’t you do lovey things anymore?” or “You aren't being affectionate anymore, and it’s not fair” those are some of the common contenders. However, when I say these things they almost make things worse. He feels like he is doing everything he can, and because I have brought it up, “it makes him not want to do anything.” 

That can hurt.

I am sure that by this point, I sound like a brat again. I swear I’m not, I just miss him sometimes. That is something that comes with dating a medical student. You WILL miss them, even when they are right there, and you will be lonely. However, if you love him as much I love my boyfriend, it’s worth it. He is worth it.

My boyfriend loves me, and I know he tries his best. I feel guilty asking for affection, but sometimes I need that. I chose to date a medical student, so I also signed up to deal with what comes with it. However, sometimes I want to feel like, if for just a few minutes, I am his priority and that medical school doesn't exist. It can hurt to feel unloved, but I have to remember that is not the case.

While I still struggle with this issue sometimes, I am learning some things. You have to learn to appreciate the little things. When you have those nights where you wonder, “Can I deal with this anymore?” Ask yourself, if those little things stopped, how would that affect me? I know that if he stopped giving me forehead kisses or singing to me the way he does sometimes that I would miss those more than anything.  

Find a hobby. Work on a project in your apartment, hell work on something for him! Make something to show him, “Hey I have been really missing you, so I made this for you.” I know I love making “test baskets” (Bags full of goodies to help get him through testing week.) On test days, I hide good luck cards in his backpack. Taking all of the energy and putting it into something for him can really go a long way in showing him that you care.

Something I have to remember sometimes is that he spends all of his time with his books, SPs, or professors. About 90% of his time is spent emotionless, working like a robot to complete everything on his list and remain professional. So when that 20 minutes does come around where we do get to be together, in my head I am thinking, “Great we have some time to be loving, cuddly, and affectionate!” However, that is not always the case. In his head he is thinking, “Awesome, I get to sit on the couch and let my brain stop for a few minutes.” I have to remember what he has been going through all day, I have to indulge in the pleasure of simply being with him.

Another thing I have learned is to value the weekends. Even though you still won’t get to spend a lot of time with them, it is still much better. During the week, if you keep the complaining to a minimum and interruptions to a minimum, and let them do their thing it opens up some time for you. It allows them to get more work done and carve out enough time with you on the weekends to go see a movie or go out to lunch. Sometimes we have to be on our own, and learn to be okay with that. Being okay, allows them to not have to worry about us. That takes a lot of stress off of their plate.There are going to be some days where it’s just too much. Sometimes you need to get them out of their own head a little bit, and remind them that you are in this too. They need to take a break once in a while and you need attention too. Yes you signed up for this journey with him, but the key is that you have to do this together. Go get some frozen yogurt or take a walk around the block. Catch up on each other’s day and take a break together. They can’t take advantage of you, and your ability to do things without them, and we can’t take advantage of the fact they are a few feet away from us. Let them be. Our stories about the people on metro or what Susie said to Stacy can wait until dinner.

This is all hard. Try to remember why you are there. You both love each other, and all of this is for a reason. Compromises have to be made and sometimes we suffer, but don’t let it be your relationship or your hearts that pay the ultimate sacrifice.